What happens when your whole identity is built around not needing help.
My computer wallpaper has said the same thing for over a year now.
A girl standing alone on a mountain peak. Stars exploding across the sky behind her. And right there, in big white letters: “I’m the best, I can do this alone..”
I chose it on purpose. It felt like me.
Turns out, I only understood half of what it meant.
♦My current background screen wall paperThe Identity That Made Me StubbornLet me give you some context.
I did my bachelor’s(bachelor of technology) in Electronics and Communication Engineering. Worked for 6 years. Then I did my Master’s in Business Analytics, majoring in Data Science. Now I’m working again as an AI/ML Engineer.
Three very different worlds, one common thread every single one of them rewards people who can figure things out on their own. Debug the signal. Find the pattern in the data. Tune the model until it works.
I got really good at that. And then I started applying it to everything, including situations where it was completely the wrong approach.
Struggling at work? Figure it out alone. Something hard happening personally? Process it alone. Feeling stuck? Push harder, alone.
I thought that was what being capable looked like.
From the outside, maybe it did.
On the inside, I was running on empty and calling it discipline.
The Thing Nobody Tells You About Working in TechSomething I’ve noticed after moving from ECE to analytics to AI.
The further you go in tech, the more the work depends on systems talking to each other. In communications engineering, a signal doesn’t just travel alone. It gets processed, handed off, amplified, corrected. The whole point is how well the parts connect.
In data science, no single model solves everything. You build pipelines. You layer components. You combine outputs from multiple sources to get something that actually works.
In machine learning, even the models themselves learn by taking feedback. That’s literally what training is. The model makes a prediction, gets corrected, adjusts, tries again.
I was surrounded by systems built on feedback loops and collaboration. And I was over here refusing to ask anyone for anything.
The irony is not lost on me.
When It Actually BrokeA few months ago, things got hard in a way my usual approach couldn’t fix.
A project that went sideways. A personal situation that hit at the exact wrong time. I sat at my desk, stared at that wallpaper, at that girl on the mountain, and those words felt completely different.
“I can do this alone” stopped sounding like confidence. It started sounding like fear.
I genuinely wasn’t sure I could.
So I stopped and asked myself something I’d been avoiding: what does “alone” even mean here? Does it mean I never need input? Does it mean I can’t feel lost without it being a failure?
Because if that was the definition, I’d been failing quietly for a long time.
What I Finally UnderstoodWhen I slowed down, I realized I’d been misreading my own wallpaper.
“I’m the best” was never about being better than someone else. It’s about knowing what I bring. The way I think across domains, the way I connect technical depth with business context, the way I can sit with a messy problem and not panic.
That’s real. That’s mine. It doesn’t need comparison.
And “I can do this alone” was never about cutting people off. It’s about trusting my own judgment. Knowing that even when I don’t have all the answers, I have the capacity to find them.
That’s the foundation. Not a wall around me.
Think about how a well-designed ML system actually works. It doesn’t ignore external data. It doesn’t refuse new inputs after the first training run. It keeps learning, keeps adjusting, keeps getting better because of what it receives from outside itself.
The most capable systems are also the most open to feedback.
I needed to be more like the systems I was building.
What Changed When I Stopped Treating Help Like FailureI asked a mentor for feedback on something I’d been sitting on for weeks. Got unstuck in a day.
I talked to someone I trusted about the personal stuff I’d been carrying alone. Felt lighter almost immediately.
I stopped pretending to have all the answers in every meeting and started saying “let me think about that more” instead.
Nothing fell apart. Things actually moved faster.
I realized in data science, you never treat the first output as the final output. You iterate. You validate. You bring in another perspective when your results don’t make sense.
That’s not a sign your first attempt was bad. That’s just how good work gets built.
Life works the same way. The ask isn’t a weakness in the process. It is the process.
A Few Things That Actually HelpedIf you’re stuck in the same loop as I was, here’s what genuinely worked for me:
Start listening to your first instinct again. Somewhere in all the second-guessing, I stopped trusting signals I was getting early. When I started paying attention to them again, decisions got cleaner and faster.
Document your own wins. Every time something worked, I started writing it down. Not for a resume. Just for myself. To have actual evidence that I can figure things out, even hard things.
Be selective, not closed. “I can do this alone” doesn’t mean you seal yourself off. It means you’re strong enough to choose who you let in and when. That’s a completely different thing.
Normalize the messy middle. In any good data project, there’s a phase where nothing is clean and everything is uncertain. That phase is not a sign something is wrong. It’s just part of the work. Same thing in life.
I Now strongly believe People Needs People
The Wallpaper Is Still ThereI didn’t change it.
The girl is still on that mountain. The galaxy is still behind her. The words still say what they say.
But when I read them now, I feel something different. Not pressure to prove anything. Not that quiet fear of being seen as less than capable.
Just this steady, calm knowing I have what I need.
And sometimes what I need includes other people. A second pair of eyes. An genuine conversation. Someone who’s been where I’m trying to go.
That’s not weakness. That’s good system design.
And honestly, it took a few things breaking before I understood the difference.
Does any of this sound familiar? I’d love to hear where you’ve been with this. Drop your story in the comments. I read every single one.
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About Myself(author): Electronics and Communication Engineering grad. MS in Business Analytics, Data Science. Currently working as an AI/ML Engineer. I write about the intersection of tech, career, and the things you figure out the hard way.
♦I Spent Two Years Proving I Didn’t Need Anyone was originally published in Code Like A Girl on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.